I have alluded to this a few times before, but I feel it is time to come right on out with it.
I have been suffering with post-partum depression.
I had a titch of this with Sara, but it was nothing like this. This has been a whole different problem and has affected me in a much different way.
I kept waiting for it to just ebb away as my hormones got under control and my body got back to normal.
I thought maybe once I found my groove, it would stop sneaking up on me and making me miserable.
I hoped that if I stayed busy and productive, I wouldn't have time to feel silly things like depression and anxiety.
I dove into spiritual practices hoping that would alleviate some of the pressure of this little demon in my life.
Unfortunately, no amount of routine, productivity or scripture reading has had a lasting affect for me. I have had temporary relief, which was extremely welcome, but I can always feel that thinly veiled despair just lurking in the back of my mind and life, waiting to pounce when I am weak or tired enough for it to floor me again.
Now, the reason I am writing this is because I am not the kind of person who would do well in therapy, which is what most of the things I have read about have told me to do. I don't like to tell my good friends when I feel weak, much less some stranger. I just don't think I would be able to really open up, and that would defeat the purpose.
I also do not want to take any medication for it. I am breast feeding, and I don't care what the label says, I have a hard time believing that a drug that is strong enough to change my chemical balance and alter my mood levels is not strong enough to affect my milk.
So, I have thought about it, and I have prayed about it and have determined that this is the most therapeutic thing in my life. Writing. Putting my thoughts into words and sharing them with the few people who wander by this blog.
Some of you are made uncomfortable by this kind of frankness where you expect only pictures of my adorable children. Sorry. Indulge me, or just play in my archives while I explore this option of dealing with this.
Anyway, after chatting with Heavenly Father a bit, he told me that I am very likely not the only woman who frequents this space that has felt/ is feeling this way. He also told me that some of my coping mechanisms, while not permanent solutions, are good steps. Basically, he told me to talk about it here. So, since I like to follow the promptings I receive in my conversations with deity, I have decided to do a series of posts about the things I have found that have helped me.
Yes, that means this is not the only time I will be burdening the blog with talk of my post partum depression. This blog is about my life, and as ashamed as I am at times about this, post partum depression is a very real figure in my life right now.
Brothers On Maps
2 days ago
7 comments:
You are a Brave, Beautiful and awesome spiritual giant of a woman :)
My condolences for you and your PPD.
I've never had post partum depression so I can't really relate, but I have suffered my own share from depression. I have little advice but much love and encouragement.
And I believe writing about something is often the best therapy there is. I agree with Heavenly Father, go fig.
I can so relate and I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone, and that this too shall pass (hopefully sooner rather than later).
I didn't have it at all w/ Hannah. I had it a little w/ Abby but not much.
I had it full force after Josh, and it didn't help that he was born in the yucky winter time when I was cooped up with 2 stir crazy little girls (who had been cooped up all winter w/ a miserable pregnant mom and getting a new brother to throw their whole world off, making them extra crabby and acting out, fun times!)
I wasn't brave enough to write about it on my blog, so I mostly just suffered through it. It was so miserable! It got a lot better for me by the time Josh was around 6 months old but getting to that point was really tough.
I'm also prone to seasonal depression too, it gets bad when the weather gets yucky, winter is around the corner and I can already feel it.
It is tough to deal with, but you are right that writing does help, as well as talking to people about it. I have some friends that I talked to about it while I was going through it and that helped a lot, they had been there before too and it helped to know that I wasn't alone.
I just want to let you know that you are a strong, brave, and beautiful woman and mother. I know we were never really close in high school but I hope you know that I do care about you a lot and I am here if you ever need anything at all, even just to talk on the phone with (or e-mail if that is easier/more comfortable).
I haven't told you this before, but I look up to you in a lot of ways as a mother, wife, and a woman in general. I read your posts, all of them, and feel lifted up and inspired by you quite often. I may not comment a lot but usually because I don't know what to say.
Anyway, yes this comment is really long now. I just wanted you to know you are not alone and to try not to be too hard on yourself. You are doing a wonderful job. If at the end of the day, your children are warm, fed, and loved, then you have done your job.
You also don't owe it to anyone to have your blog be about anything in particular. It is your life and your blog, you write about what you want to and what makes you feel good.
I don't think there's anything wrong or off putting about writing about your post-partum deppression.
I'm like you, writing is probably my number one therapy for when I'm feeling blue. So write your heart out. You are right, you are not alone. Hang in there and remember that no matter how terrible you may feel, you are loved.
As someone who has gone through severe postpartum depression, you do whatever works for you.
I think it NEEDS to be talked about anymore. But we worry about what people will say, what they'll think. That they won't understand. I have spoken about it a little and have found that some people DON'T understand what it's like. And so some have said hurtful things about me, my life, my parenting, and my choices.
But this is one reason all the more to talk about it. To let people know what it's like and what we need, so we don't have to to suffer in silence.
I didn't want to go the medication route either, and I didn't go to therapy either. (Unless you count leaning on my husband.)
I did turn to homeopathic remedies and went in for energy healing. Which for me as a evidence-based person sounded like a bunch of new age hooey, BUT IT WORKED. I had gallbladder issues and massive depression and felt better fairly quickly. Not only did my gallbladder attacks stop and I didn't have surgery, my depression improved. It took about 3 months until I felt "cured." Well, whether or not it was coincidence or placebo effect, I don't really know. All I know is it helped. Let me know if you want to know more information about that.
But anyway, I think you're a wonderful woman and mother. You are a person I greatly admire, respect, and look up to.
Write about this as much as you want. It's your blog, your space. Work through your issues. I know I won't judge.
I also have written a post about PPD that I still haven't posted but now maybe I'll finish it and post it, just so others can know what it's like. To understand. And maybe those of us who go through it won't feel so alone. Because I know I did feel alone going through it. It was the worst time of my life and I'm lucky to still be alive.
So I'll stand by and support you 100%. :)
So sorry, Amanda! Depression SUCKS, and the majority of women I know have suffered from it at some time. I have been on medication twice and also gone to a therapist because of it. I hope your writing about it helps. Just to spread the word, I have been using a supplement called 5HTP which helps my body produce more serotonin and it seems to be helpful for me. I'm not saying you should take it, but just FYI for anyone reading all this who might need a little help.
Take care!
Carrie
I love you Amanda and think you're great. I think that writing about things helps more than anything else (at least that's how it works with me), so if that's what you want to do, and what God wants you to do, you should do it. And you've got my support. And anything else you need. You let me know. Peace out!
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