Things That Should Never Be Said to a Pregnant Woman (Yes, all of these are true stories!)

1. Hey there Big Stuff!!! This is how my Grandpa Wallace greets me now.

2. Wow, my daughter just had her baby, and she never got that big. Are you sure you are only 24 weeks along? You may want to ask next time you go because really- she was 2 weeks late and she was much smaller than you are right now!! This was from an old temple worker in the ladies room.

3. Wow- you look really uncomfortable. They shouldn't let women work when they get that far along- it slows all of us down. This was from one of my favorite people from work. . . you know, the one whose mistakes I was asked to take care of all the time even though it wasn't my job because my boss knew that she wouldn't be able to handle it and be nice to the customer. Sorry- she just managed to call me slow and fat in the same sentence just as I was putting a band-aid on a monster of a paper-cut after I had spent 2 hours searching through some files for a job that she had misplaced.

4. Because I am your friend, I feel obligated to tell you something that most people wouldn't. . . you are putting on a little weight there! OK- in all fairness, coming from Barry- one of my friends from work, this actually would have been really funny if he had chosen the right morning. That particular morning it just made me cry!

5. Does your husband still think you are pretty like that? This one was from a client at work.

6. Lady from my ward: Wow- you are either having twins, or one VERY big baby!!!

Me: Actually, my doctor said I am right on track- I think I just look bigger because I am short.

Lady from my ward: Oh- the doctors always say you are on track as a way of being nice and to keep from scaring you. Trust me- you've got a biggun' in there!!

7. Are you ready to get your old body back? Here's something they never tell you- but it aint gonna happen!! You are gonna be big now for the rest of your life- especially with how much it has affected everything else on you! That's why you got that ring though- just hope he keeps it on unlike my ex-husband! Ladies and Gentlemen- Gaylene S. Ucker!! Yes, that is her real and unfortunate name. I suppose this is why we pretty much excuse most of what comes spewing out of her mouth before going through even a minor mental filter.

8. You could be Santa this year!! A little girl in nursery said this to me one week. It was the same girl who I think taught Emma to say, "NO! I don't want to!" to everything we ask her to do. We have since gotten that mostly out of her system- but it was still pretty frustrating.

9. Hey, we've all been there- you have no right to complain about anything! Some lady in my ward said this when I asked Ross if he could hold Emma for a minute because she had just kicked me in the stomach, and I was afraid I was going to throw up. Our ward has a large population of divorced and widowed women who are all old enough to not have to employ tact in their conversation anymore. It can be rather entertaining!

10. You look like you are about to pop! OK- this one isn't that bad, but I wanted to finish it off with an even 10. My little sister Caulene said this one- but in all fairness, she did say it after I told her to look at how much I had grown since I had seen her last.

11. Sorry- I just thought of one Ross said the other day when I was getting up. How pregnant are you today? I have a favor to ask of you, but I don't know if I should say it now, or wait until the pregnant beast dissipates a little bit.